i'm still subscribed to my philosophy class egroup in college. once in a while, i browse through the readings that are being emailed to the group. as i was reading something written by Immanuel Kant in the year 1784, some of the things he said struck me...
Enlightenment is man's emergence from his self-imposed immaturity. Immaturity is the inability to use one's understanding without guidance from another. This immaturity is self-imposed when its cause lies not in lack of understanding, but in lack of resolve and courage to use it without guidance from another. Sapere Aude! [dare to know] "Have courage to use your own understanding!"--that is the motto of enlightenment.
If I have a book to serve as my understanding, a pastor to serve as my conscience, a physician to determine my diet for me, and so on, I need not exert myself at all.
... and he goes on about his time being the age of enlightenment and all. i can't really say anything about 1784, but i do know that everything he said still remains true today. that there have been too many "guides" set up for us within the last few decades, centuries even, that people tend to rely on these instead of using their own understanding. traditions keep old teachings and rituals alive, even when they seem out of place already. everything has a dummy book - parenting for dummies, accounting for dummies, etc. each little item you buy includes detailed instructions about it. it's good to share what we know to others, but we must also be aware of the danger of becoming too lazy to think for oneself. it's healthy to question our ways, is what i say. hmmm, do i sound like a rebel?? hehehe.. questioning doesn't necessarily mean contradicting. it's just a manner of learning more about things.
and i know there are rules that are imposed by society, and different people have different views on how to live life, and this causes problems. but it is so much better to discuss and debate on those differing views than to stagnate and live with no progress and growth. we just need to be wise enough to know how to settle the arguments - like agreeing to disagree (kanya kanyang diskarte na lang) and compromising. of course, it should go without saying that we are not to forget the big picture - the effect of our decisions on others and all that yada about world peace.
if in 1784, it was the age of enlightenment, it doesn't follow that we are at an enlightened age already. after all the years that passed, here's to hoping that we still continue to look around us and push for a better understanding of it all.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
senseless me
i admit, i don't let people get too close
sorry for all those i pushed away
it's a sickness, and i'm still struggling with it
after all these years of "learning"
i thank God for giving me kulit people who never give up on me
i hope i can also completely accept the hard facts
that not every friend or loved one is meant to stay a part of my life for always
that i cannot be whoever other people want me to be
[i can just be me, and that's it]
that time is needed to let things fall into their places
sorry for all those i pushed away
it's a sickness, and i'm still struggling with it
after all these years of "learning"
i thank God for giving me kulit people who never give up on me
i hope i can also completely accept the hard facts
that not every friend or loved one is meant to stay a part of my life for always
that i cannot be whoever other people want me to be
[i can just be me, and that's it]
that time is needed to let things fall into their places
HTTP 403 (forbidden)
my blog is forbidden??? why??? for lack of updates? hehehe...
anyway, i'm still here. will be keeping this real short coz i just wanna try and see if my blog becomes viewable after this post.
but let me just say, nakakalito ang mundo... but i'll never let the world win! i'll keep on fighting! so whatever comes my way, bring it on! i just hope i can keep the people i love from getting hurt in any way.
anyway, i'm still here. will be keeping this real short coz i just wanna try and see if my blog becomes viewable after this post.
but let me just say, nakakalito ang mundo... but i'll never let the world win! i'll keep on fighting! so whatever comes my way, bring it on! i just hope i can keep the people i love from getting hurt in any way.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
ngarag
i'll just dive right into the stories ok,, i'm still too tired from everything that happened for the past few weeks. but i want to write about them, so here goes.
last week, i was so busy preparing for the final (dedication) night of the Holy Family Christian Life Program. i was tasked to do the dvd souvenir, and practices were also held at our place for the presentation of the new members under our group. my average sleep time was 4hours per night. i don't know why i took so much time with the dvd edit - am i that slow? or maybe it was because i also gave time for telebabad and chat hehe.. anyway, even as tired as i was, it was a very fun and fulfilling week for me.
saturday, i went to the Christ the King CLP, where they were doing Talk 5 & 6. i helped out with recording the session on dvd, assisted by hannah. most of the newly dedicated members in our group in Holy Family (tina, rian, myca) were also there to support the CLP. around 6 pm, i decided to come home to finally get some rest. the people at home said that there'd been a power outage. i didn't think it was a big deal, i was too tired to go wherever - i just wanted to lie down and sleep. but after about 5minutes of feeling the hot and humid air at home, i called up my friends to complain - i couldn't sleep! i couldn't breathe properly! parang ang arte na nga e, nakaramdam lang ng konting init, parang mamamatay na... after figuring out what i could do to get out of the heat, eyos and her boyfriend picked me up at 8:30pm to go and support the Our Lady of Lourdes CLP dedication. then we hung out at winnie's till 4am, with a wish that when we got home, it'd be cooler, presko.
sunday, i had a restless night to prepare me for my day. power was still out! we heard mass at 12pm, lugged some pillows and mats, and went to search for a place where we could relax and escape the oven that was our home. we ended up near sta. monica beach. the view was amazing! we could see the ocean below us, the sta. monica pier at our far left, with its famous ferris wheel and all the hustle and bustle of a leisurely sunday afternoon. i wasn't able to linger on enjoying the sights, coz i was in bad shape already - i wanted to sleep!!! thankfully, i was able to sleep for at least two hours. =) when we got home, wow, it was already getting ridiculous! still no power! and as if that wasn't bad enough, only our block remained that way in our area. we could see the lights from across the street while we pity ourselves in the dark! it turned out that the prolonged power outage didn't affect the whole city. but those affected might still experience this hell for forty eight hours or more!
so monday, the unemployed bunch at home (ate ja, june and i) thought of going to universal studios to take advantage of the cool zones there. i didn't get the chance to really rest, but atleast i enjoyed the tram ride, the eat-all-you-can for $20, and the cold AC at the shrek 4d show. by this time, i was already getting whiny and short tempered. but what can i do.. i just indulged myself by not getting concerned about the expenses, and drinking coke and cold cold water to keep me refreshed. i love coke during the summer! =)
sigh, tuesday still wasn't a good power day.. DWP (department of water & power) said that we MIGHT have the power back by wednesday early morning. so we just went to the mall, armed with chargers to replenish our phone batteries - i've been talking a lot on the phone during the past few days, for lack of other things to do. ate ja and i watched pirates of the carribean 2 while june stayed at Borders (bookstore) with our dad and grandma. yep, that't how hot it was - nobody could tolerate it any longer. then after the movie, we had dinner at the foodcourt. yumyum cinnabon! and surf city smoothie - the strawberry banana tasted like the one from coffee hubs (technoplaza one bldg at eastwood).
after dinner, myca, ate ja and i went to kat's place to just hang out for a bit. anything to stay out of our house hehe. when we got home at around 12mn, i still didn't sleep. i stayed on the phone for a few more hours, hoping that i'd still be awake by the time the power came on. by 4am, my phone battery went dead so i had no choice but to sleep. and wonder of all wonders, the power was back at around 5am!!! yahoo!!!!
so i slept the whole wednesday morning! =) it still wasn' t that good, maybe it's coz of the mess i did with my sleep time for more than two weeks already.. but still! yey yey yey!!! =) when i woke up in the afternoon, we started cleaning up here at home. but i couldn't resist staying online the whole time, reading my email and chatting. ;)
so there. i'm tired, but i feel good! why? haha, when you've been down, there's nowhere to go but up!! hopefully i can rest some more tonight. coz tomorrow, i'm going out for dinner and bowling. then on friday, we're leaving for a vegas weekend for an sfc activity. again, my jobhunt plans have been moved for another week. i hope that's not too bad.. it was supposed to be this week, but how could i plan on impressing prospective employers if i felt lousy? i'll just move along accordingly. come what may. =)
last week, i was so busy preparing for the final (dedication) night of the Holy Family Christian Life Program. i was tasked to do the dvd souvenir, and practices were also held at our place for the presentation of the new members under our group. my average sleep time was 4hours per night. i don't know why i took so much time with the dvd edit - am i that slow? or maybe it was because i also gave time for telebabad and chat hehe.. anyway, even as tired as i was, it was a very fun and fulfilling week for me.
saturday, i went to the Christ the King CLP, where they were doing Talk 5 & 6. i helped out with recording the session on dvd, assisted by hannah. most of the newly dedicated members in our group in Holy Family (tina, rian, myca) were also there to support the CLP. around 6 pm, i decided to come home to finally get some rest. the people at home said that there'd been a power outage. i didn't think it was a big deal, i was too tired to go wherever - i just wanted to lie down and sleep. but after about 5minutes of feeling the hot and humid air at home, i called up my friends to complain - i couldn't sleep! i couldn't breathe properly! parang ang arte na nga e, nakaramdam lang ng konting init, parang mamamatay na... after figuring out what i could do to get out of the heat, eyos and her boyfriend picked me up at 8:30pm to go and support the Our Lady of Lourdes CLP dedication. then we hung out at winnie's till 4am, with a wish that when we got home, it'd be cooler, presko.
sunday, i had a restless night to prepare me for my day. power was still out! we heard mass at 12pm, lugged some pillows and mats, and went to search for a place where we could relax and escape the oven that was our home. we ended up near sta. monica beach. the view was amazing! we could see the ocean below us, the sta. monica pier at our far left, with its famous ferris wheel and all the hustle and bustle of a leisurely sunday afternoon. i wasn't able to linger on enjoying the sights, coz i was in bad shape already - i wanted to sleep!!! thankfully, i was able to sleep for at least two hours. =) when we got home, wow, it was already getting ridiculous! still no power! and as if that wasn't bad enough, only our block remained that way in our area. we could see the lights from across the street while we pity ourselves in the dark! it turned out that the prolonged power outage didn't affect the whole city. but those affected might still experience this hell for forty eight hours or more!
so monday, the unemployed bunch at home (ate ja, june and i) thought of going to universal studios to take advantage of the cool zones there. i didn't get the chance to really rest, but atleast i enjoyed the tram ride, the eat-all-you-can for $20, and the cold AC at the shrek 4d show. by this time, i was already getting whiny and short tempered. but what can i do.. i just indulged myself by not getting concerned about the expenses, and drinking coke and cold cold water to keep me refreshed. i love coke during the summer! =)
sigh, tuesday still wasn't a good power day.. DWP (department of water & power) said that we MIGHT have the power back by wednesday early morning. so we just went to the mall, armed with chargers to replenish our phone batteries - i've been talking a lot on the phone during the past few days, for lack of other things to do. ate ja and i watched pirates of the carribean 2 while june stayed at Borders (bookstore) with our dad and grandma. yep, that't how hot it was - nobody could tolerate it any longer. then after the movie, we had dinner at the foodcourt. yumyum cinnabon! and surf city smoothie - the strawberry banana tasted like the one from coffee hubs (technoplaza one bldg at eastwood).
after dinner, myca, ate ja and i went to kat's place to just hang out for a bit. anything to stay out of our house hehe. when we got home at around 12mn, i still didn't sleep. i stayed on the phone for a few more hours, hoping that i'd still be awake by the time the power came on. by 4am, my phone battery went dead so i had no choice but to sleep. and wonder of all wonders, the power was back at around 5am!!! yahoo!!!!
so i slept the whole wednesday morning! =) it still wasn' t that good, maybe it's coz of the mess i did with my sleep time for more than two weeks already.. but still! yey yey yey!!! =) when i woke up in the afternoon, we started cleaning up here at home. but i couldn't resist staying online the whole time, reading my email and chatting. ;)
so there. i'm tired, but i feel good! why? haha, when you've been down, there's nowhere to go but up!! hopefully i can rest some more tonight. coz tomorrow, i'm going out for dinner and bowling. then on friday, we're leaving for a vegas weekend for an sfc activity. again, my jobhunt plans have been moved for another week. i hope that's not too bad.. it was supposed to be this week, but how could i plan on impressing prospective employers if i felt lousy? i'll just move along accordingly. come what may. =)
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
summer time!
the weekend started with a sleepover at kat's place on friday. myca wouldn't let me sleep (coz she's so kulet! hehe), so we got around to getting some rest at around 4am already. 830am, wake up time! breakfast and preps till 11am, then time to go!!!
lake cachuma was about two hours away, so we dropped by food 4 less (grocery) to buy some snacks. after more than an hour, we saw that the beach was right there beside us on the freeway. who wouldn't be drawn by it?? so we took the next exit and decided to have a quick stop over. it turned out to be one of the highlights of my weekend! =) it was so much fun, coz we just parked beside the higway, then climbed down the rocks that led to the waves.. i can still smell the fresh salt water that eventually soaked me from head to toe.. ;) all we did was look at the ocean and take pictures, but it was so relaxing and breathtaking that we stayed for quite a while.
the impromptu rock climbing made us hungry and joel had to buy some slippers so we had to make another detour before reaching our campsite at around 5pm. we missed the boat ride at the lake with the others, but it was worth it.
come night time, i didn't feel too good - i think the sun got to me. but after two stomachache/pms meds, i forced myself to walk around and enjoy the sights. good for me, coz i would've missed a lot!
the moon was so big! its reflection on the lake was amazing! actually, there were some people from the other camp sites that brought telescopes with them. they were so nice coz they let us look at the moon (it looked like the windows wallpaper - radiance) and jupiter, and a cluster of stars that looked like sugar hehe.. and one of them even told us stories about the constellations. hopefully i can still identify my favorites - big dipper (coz it's easy to spot), bootes (ice cream cone), draco (dragonheart), cassiopeia (serendipity), saggitarius (teapot - with the milky way as the steam coming out of it), and scorpio (saw this @ tagaytay).
i would've walked around till daylight, but it was so cold! and a bit scary coz it was really dark - no lights at all except from the lamps brought by campers. so into the tent we went, to find out that even there, we had to cuddle up and make do with just our towels for warmth. we didn't bring enough blankets! we didn't think it would get that cold since it was so hot during the day.
are you bored yet? i'm not! hahaha.. i woke up around 7am on sunday. took a bath, ate breakfast, helped with cleaning up, and then we were off to solvang to hear mass at 11am. now our road trip consisted of three vehicles - my siblings included. after mass at the sta. ynez mission church, we strolled around the place. solvang is this town where lots of tourists go to see a piece of denmark. almost everything you see is danish - the architecture, the pastries, the ambiance. we ate lunch at the park, and we let our drivers get some rest before going home.
the scenic route suggested by kuya jacx included three stops. we had a great view of the lake casitas, so of course picture taking is a must hehe. and the mountains and the ravines were just so nice to look at! even as my head ached and my eyes kept on closing, i tried my best to feast on everything that was around us.
we got home at 9pm. whew! i can really say that we made the most out of our weekend. coz there was no idle moment at all! i enjoyed everything! i can even say that i've got my summer getaway quota filled up. =) but well, there's always room for more,, so here's to a great summer!!!
=) =) =)
lake cachuma was about two hours away, so we dropped by food 4 less (grocery) to buy some snacks. after more than an hour, we saw that the beach was right there beside us on the freeway. who wouldn't be drawn by it?? so we took the next exit and decided to have a quick stop over. it turned out to be one of the highlights of my weekend! =) it was so much fun, coz we just parked beside the higway, then climbed down the rocks that led to the waves.. i can still smell the fresh salt water that eventually soaked me from head to toe.. ;) all we did was look at the ocean and take pictures, but it was so relaxing and breathtaking that we stayed for quite a while.
the impromptu rock climbing made us hungry and joel had to buy some slippers so we had to make another detour before reaching our campsite at around 5pm. we missed the boat ride at the lake with the others, but it was worth it.
come night time, i didn't feel too good - i think the sun got to me. but after two stomachache/pms meds, i forced myself to walk around and enjoy the sights. good for me, coz i would've missed a lot!
the moon was so big! its reflection on the lake was amazing! actually, there were some people from the other camp sites that brought telescopes with them. they were so nice coz they let us look at the moon (it looked like the windows wallpaper - radiance) and jupiter, and a cluster of stars that looked like sugar hehe.. and one of them even told us stories about the constellations. hopefully i can still identify my favorites - big dipper (coz it's easy to spot), bootes (ice cream cone), draco (dragonheart), cassiopeia (serendipity), saggitarius (teapot - with the milky way as the steam coming out of it), and scorpio (saw this @ tagaytay).
i would've walked around till daylight, but it was so cold! and a bit scary coz it was really dark - no lights at all except from the lamps brought by campers. so into the tent we went, to find out that even there, we had to cuddle up and make do with just our towels for warmth. we didn't bring enough blankets! we didn't think it would get that cold since it was so hot during the day.
are you bored yet? i'm not! hahaha.. i woke up around 7am on sunday. took a bath, ate breakfast, helped with cleaning up, and then we were off to solvang to hear mass at 11am. now our road trip consisted of three vehicles - my siblings included. after mass at the sta. ynez mission church, we strolled around the place. solvang is this town where lots of tourists go to see a piece of denmark. almost everything you see is danish - the architecture, the pastries, the ambiance. we ate lunch at the park, and we let our drivers get some rest before going home.
the scenic route suggested by kuya jacx included three stops. we had a great view of the lake casitas, so of course picture taking is a must hehe. and the mountains and the ravines were just so nice to look at! even as my head ached and my eyes kept on closing, i tried my best to feast on everything that was around us.
we got home at 9pm. whew! i can really say that we made the most out of our weekend. coz there was no idle moment at all! i enjoyed everything! i can even say that i've got my summer getaway quota filled up. =) but well, there's always room for more,, so here's to a great summer!!!
=) =) =)
Friday, July 14, 2006
old [blah] news
of course once i started writing, i felt the urge to just go on and blab on. i suddenly remembered that i haven't written about so many other things. this is in no particular order, and i don't even wanna care anymore if they make sense:
* i know i've written too much about hook already, but she's just so sweet, cute and charming! gave her a first name a long while ago - alison! coz she's so soft, and you just wanna hug her and all.. hahaha.. alison is this girl in the hocus pocus movie that max (omri katz) was daydreaming about: "oh alison you're so soft..." anyway, she meows a lot more now, and i really love her malambing nature - waking me up in the morning, positioning herself between me and my laptop (i think she's jealous haha), and just cuddling whenever she feels like it..
* hmm, i didn't even write about my laptop yet! it's named badi. short for a slightly weird nickname that an aunt gave me. i got it as a birthday gift for myself! bought it at a sony store on a sunday, then had to return the first one i got, coz there was an annoyingly small speck of a red dot on the screen. it's barely noticeable, but i wanted a perfect laptop so i brought it back the next day. thankfully, they didn't question it. once i showed the dot, they immediately replaced it. yey!
* backing up a few months,,, i had another birthday surprise this year! it came complete with the cake, the food, and the people who suddenly appeared inside the house! haha.. i remember, the earliest birthday surprise on my mind right now was during first year college - a goldilocks chocolate cake at the cafeteria, a picture with the cake, and with my friends and blockmates. =) through the years, there were also several others: a yellow mango cake after one atsca eb deliberation, a greenwich pizza at asha's place, and a lot more! wow, i love cake! =D
* when we were children, my sisters and i baked cookies and brownies and the like once in a while. but when i got to college, i didn't give time for the kitchen anymore, except when helping out with our short-lived cream cake and pasta business. now, just over the past few months, i started filling a box with index cards. most of them are still blank, but in time, i plan to have the box full of recipes from my mom. i've only tried cooking a few from the ones i've written, but at least i already got started right? =) and there have been a lot of catering orders from the past two months, so i've been learning a bit of this and that. even if i just help with the small stuff coz my mom doesn't trust me in the kitchen yet. too many innocent mishaps when i'm left alone haha..
* wow, it's getting light outside! that's coz it's already 5:30am as i'm writing this! sleeping time! hehe, my youngest sister june and i have been sleeping late (or is it really more correct to say early?) ever since she started her summer vacation a few weeks ago. some of those times were spent with catering preps. others, playing computer games, watching tv, reading, the whole summer/bum thing. then last monday and tuesday, we stayed up till about this time while helping out my eldest sister jia finish some of the work she brought home. felt like my work days in the philippines a few years ago. i even had to play evanescence songs to keep my awake!
shoot, i can hear the birds chirping now. will be going to bed now, before my parents wake up and catch me... nitey nite!
** i started writing this on 07-13-2006 @4:22am. i just didn't want to post two entries in one day =p
* i know i've written too much about hook already, but she's just so sweet, cute and charming! gave her a first name a long while ago - alison! coz she's so soft, and you just wanna hug her and all.. hahaha.. alison is this girl in the hocus pocus movie that max (omri katz) was daydreaming about: "oh alison you're so soft..." anyway, she meows a lot more now, and i really love her malambing nature - waking me up in the morning, positioning herself between me and my laptop (i think she's jealous haha), and just cuddling whenever she feels like it..
* hmm, i didn't even write about my laptop yet! it's named badi. short for a slightly weird nickname that an aunt gave me. i got it as a birthday gift for myself! bought it at a sony store on a sunday, then had to return the first one i got, coz there was an annoyingly small speck of a red dot on the screen. it's barely noticeable, but i wanted a perfect laptop so i brought it back the next day. thankfully, they didn't question it. once i showed the dot, they immediately replaced it. yey!
* backing up a few months,,, i had another birthday surprise this year! it came complete with the cake, the food, and the people who suddenly appeared inside the house! haha.. i remember, the earliest birthday surprise on my mind right now was during first year college - a goldilocks chocolate cake at the cafeteria, a picture with the cake, and with my friends and blockmates. =) through the years, there were also several others: a yellow mango cake after one atsca eb deliberation, a greenwich pizza at asha's place, and a lot more! wow, i love cake! =D
* when we were children, my sisters and i baked cookies and brownies and the like once in a while. but when i got to college, i didn't give time for the kitchen anymore, except when helping out with our short-lived cream cake and pasta business. now, just over the past few months, i started filling a box with index cards. most of them are still blank, but in time, i plan to have the box full of recipes from my mom. i've only tried cooking a few from the ones i've written, but at least i already got started right? =) and there have been a lot of catering orders from the past two months, so i've been learning a bit of this and that. even if i just help with the small stuff coz my mom doesn't trust me in the kitchen yet. too many innocent mishaps when i'm left alone haha..
* wow, it's getting light outside! that's coz it's already 5:30am as i'm writing this! sleeping time! hehe, my youngest sister june and i have been sleeping late (or is it really more correct to say early?) ever since she started her summer vacation a few weeks ago. some of those times were spent with catering preps. others, playing computer games, watching tv, reading, the whole summer/bum thing. then last monday and tuesday, we stayed up till about this time while helping out my eldest sister jia finish some of the work she brought home. felt like my work days in the philippines a few years ago. i even had to play evanescence songs to keep my awake!
shoot, i can hear the birds chirping now. will be going to bed now, before my parents wake up and catch me... nitey nite!
** i started writing this on 07-13-2006 @4:22am. i just didn't want to post two entries in one day =p
Thursday, July 13, 2006
the second thought
ok. i'm staying. there have been lots of twists and turns, but there. right now, the decision is to stay.
where? why? huh?? what the hell am i talking about?!?
let's have a brief recap.
march '06: planned to just go back to the philippines. had a ticket for april 9 . a week before my scheduled departure, a sudden turn of events led me to believe that i should wait and see if better (work) opportunities were about to come my way. but no, i didn't have anything to expect. so last june, i again rearranged my plans - now focused on singapore. i even had an interview lined up (thanks to khris). but i cancelled it, as fate would have it. why oh why oh why?
huh. i don't know. haha...
i've spent so many weeks thinking and praying about my situation and how i would move on from it. most of the time, i came to the conclusion that leaving was the best option. even if i'd be away from my family. even if i'd get frustrated and rethink my plans whenever somebody told me i shouldn't go. i usually ended up with believing that i could always come back, no big deal. or that i would definitely see my family again in the future, wherever.
then two weeks ago, i had a realization. in a span of an hour or so, things in my mind changed and my going-away plans became unthinkable. this so called eureka moment didn't even contain information that i didn't know before. it was about the probability of not being with my family for a long long while. i don't really understand how all these things came about. i have no clear-cut explanation. there. weird. weird. weird. i guess i'm crazy! haha.. all i know is that here i am, decided to stay.
i have a lot of "i should have...." and "what if i had..." sentences about the recent past, but decided against indulging myself with them. whatever happened, already happened. so no more thinking. just trust in the movement of the spirit. time to completely let go and let God again. =)
HANDA NAKONG HAMUNIN ANG AKING MUNDO!
where? why? huh?? what the hell am i talking about?!?
let's have a brief recap.
march '06: planned to just go back to the philippines. had a ticket for april 9 . a week before my scheduled departure, a sudden turn of events led me to believe that i should wait and see if better (work) opportunities were about to come my way. but no, i didn't have anything to expect. so last june, i again rearranged my plans - now focused on singapore. i even had an interview lined up (thanks to khris). but i cancelled it, as fate would have it. why oh why oh why?
huh. i don't know. haha...
i've spent so many weeks thinking and praying about my situation and how i would move on from it. most of the time, i came to the conclusion that leaving was the best option. even if i'd be away from my family. even if i'd get frustrated and rethink my plans whenever somebody told me i shouldn't go. i usually ended up with believing that i could always come back, no big deal. or that i would definitely see my family again in the future, wherever.
then two weeks ago, i had a realization. in a span of an hour or so, things in my mind changed and my going-away plans became unthinkable. this so called eureka moment didn't even contain information that i didn't know before. it was about the probability of not being with my family for a long long while. i don't really understand how all these things came about. i have no clear-cut explanation. there. weird. weird. weird. i guess i'm crazy! haha.. all i know is that here i am, decided to stay.
i have a lot of "i should have...." and "what if i had..." sentences about the recent past, but decided against indulging myself with them. whatever happened, already happened. so no more thinking. just trust in the movement of the spirit. time to completely let go and let God again. =)
HANDA NAKONG HAMUNIN ANG AKING MUNDO!
Thursday, June 22, 2006
i'm not crazy
i've been feeling really unwell lately. i haven't been posting coz i don't know what to make of what's been happening to me. everything is so confusing.
yes, things happen for a reason. but knowing this doesn't change the fact that i feel messed up. i'm currently unemployed, but i'm not putting my heart into the jobhunt - whether it be for a job here or for singapore. we even have a financial situation, but it doesn't really push me to move. what a reliable daughter and sister huh. but i just keep blanking out. not all the time, but enough for me to think i'm not doing the best i can. i still smile. i still watch the movies. eat happily. sleep soundly. but there are times that i just drop things. like when i sleep for twelve hours, coz i feel like there's nothing to wake up for. gimik invites don't get me too excited. i also get bored with all the stuff that i said i wanted/needed to give time for. so it leaves me with living life one day at a time, but with no concrete purpose and motivation. i know it's just for right now. and i actually need to decide on things real soon already. but here i am, l-o-s-t.
all shall be well. but right now, it isn't.
yes, things happen for a reason. but knowing this doesn't change the fact that i feel messed up. i'm currently unemployed, but i'm not putting my heart into the jobhunt - whether it be for a job here or for singapore. we even have a financial situation, but it doesn't really push me to move. what a reliable daughter and sister huh. but i just keep blanking out. not all the time, but enough for me to think i'm not doing the best i can. i still smile. i still watch the movies. eat happily. sleep soundly. but there are times that i just drop things. like when i sleep for twelve hours, coz i feel like there's nothing to wake up for. gimik invites don't get me too excited. i also get bored with all the stuff that i said i wanted/needed to give time for. so it leaves me with living life one day at a time, but with no concrete purpose and motivation. i know it's just for right now. and i actually need to decide on things real soon already. but here i am, l-o-s-t.
all shall be well. but right now, it isn't.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
awareness bit
i am a daily visitor of cnn.com nowadays. trying to follow any kind of movement on the (U.S.) immigration debate is all. but a week ago, george clooney's name caught my attention and i clicked on it curiously. turns out he is promoting awareness on the violent killings in sudan (africa) that has been going on for awhile now.
from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darfur_conflict:
The Darfur Conflict is an ongoing conflict in the Darfur region of western Sudan, mainly between the Janjaweed, a militia group recruited from local Arab tribes, and the non-Arab peoples of the region. The Sudanese government, while publicly denying that it supports the Janjaweed, is providing arms and assistance and has participated in joint attacks with the group. The conflict began in February 2003.
The conflict has been described by the Western media as "ethnic cleansing" and "genocide." In September 2004, the World Health Organization (WHO) estimated 50,000 deaths in Darfur since the conflict's beginning, mostly by starvation. In October, the organization's head gave an estimate of 71,000 deaths by starvation and disease alone between March and October 2004. While a recent British Parliamentary Report estimates that over 300,000 people have already died, [1] the United Nations estimates that 180,000 have died in the past eighteen months of the conflict. [2] More than 1.8 million people had been displaced from their homes. Two hundred thousand have fled to neighboring Chad.
...criticized for sensationalizing the conflict into one of racial motivations, where some experts instead attribute the causes to competition between farmers and nomadic cattle-herders who compete for scarce resources...
...intervention by the UN is unlikely as the governments of key members of the Security Council are pragmatically and ideologically constrained in their ability to respond to the conflict...
=> Russia is preoccupied with his own security problems and US is busy fighting his war in Iraq. i think the sentiment goes like this: "paano ko matutulungan ang kapwa ko kung ako mismo hindi pa ayos ang sarili kong mga problema?"
...a strong lobby exists opposed to intervention in countries whose internal strife is not clearly related to the nation's own interest...
=> of course: "anong mapapala ko sa pakikialam? sarili nilang gulo yan." i also remember a scene from the movie black hawk down, where the americans were being told that they had no business in somalia's civil war. so it goes both ways: "labas kayo dito, wala kayong kinalaman sa away namin."
BUT!
...Janjaweed are also said to have torched dozens of mosques and torn up and defecated on copies of the Qur'an... Both sides have been accused of committing serious human rights violations, including mass killing, looting, and rapes of the civilian population... dismemberment and killing of noncombatants and even young children and babies...
we have to recognize the hierarchy of our values, people! i know things can get so messed up and can reach the point of total chaos and turmoil. even in my own life, i can easily drop into the confusion of everything that is beyond my control. i can even destroy the things i love (coelho reference - the valkyries). but as bad as everything can lead to, all i ask is that we do not lose hope. even if we do not know what to do to help. even if the situation seems to be just a story for us. even if it's too idealistic to believe that someone as ordinary as me can contribute significantly in an issue as big as the darfur genocide. we can start with keeping our eyes open. opportunities will present themselves, i know it.
sometimes, things just hit you. for me, it started with simply being a fan of clooney. i don't really care for the news in general. and i'm thinking we don't really have to. we can start with what's in our lives right now. like this morning, i just watched the interpreter coz i like sean penn and nicole kidman. the request is for the experience not to stop with what we know and what we are comfortable with. it doesn't have to be this genocide. or the screwed up philippine government. or even the occasional politics and management concerns in our respective jobs. just start with a passion. no matter how small. and hopefully, we can all eventually have a mindset that will help lead to something akin to world peace and deep gladness within.
tonight i'm going to watch ER. i don't mind seeing noah wyle and goran visnjic, but more so because i need an image to go with all this darfur research i did.
from http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2006-05-03-er_x.htm
...the advantage of (informing) through an entertainment program is that it makes it a little more palatable to the audience than it might be in a news story...
from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darfur_conflict:
The Darfur Conflict is an ongoing conflict in the Darfur region of western Sudan, mainly between the Janjaweed, a militia group recruited from local Arab tribes, and the non-Arab peoples of the region. The Sudanese government, while publicly denying that it supports the Janjaweed, is providing arms and assistance and has participated in joint attacks with the group. The conflict began in February 2003.
The conflict has been described by the Western media as "ethnic cleansing" and "genocide." In September 2004, the World Health Organization (WHO) estimated 50,000 deaths in Darfur since the conflict's beginning, mostly by starvation. In October, the organization's head gave an estimate of 71,000 deaths by starvation and disease alone between March and October 2004. While a recent British Parliamentary Report estimates that over 300,000 people have already died, [1] the United Nations estimates that 180,000 have died in the past eighteen months of the conflict. [2] More than 1.8 million people had been displaced from their homes. Two hundred thousand have fled to neighboring Chad.
...criticized for sensationalizing the conflict into one of racial motivations, where some experts instead attribute the causes to competition between farmers and nomadic cattle-herders who compete for scarce resources...
...intervention by the UN is unlikely as the governments of key members of the Security Council are pragmatically and ideologically constrained in their ability to respond to the conflict...
=> Russia is preoccupied with his own security problems and US is busy fighting his war in Iraq. i think the sentiment goes like this: "paano ko matutulungan ang kapwa ko kung ako mismo hindi pa ayos ang sarili kong mga problema?"
...a strong lobby exists opposed to intervention in countries whose internal strife is not clearly related to the nation's own interest...
=> of course: "anong mapapala ko sa pakikialam? sarili nilang gulo yan." i also remember a scene from the movie black hawk down, where the americans were being told that they had no business in somalia's civil war. so it goes both ways: "labas kayo dito, wala kayong kinalaman sa away namin."
BUT!
...Janjaweed are also said to have torched dozens of mosques and torn up and defecated on copies of the Qur'an... Both sides have been accused of committing serious human rights violations, including mass killing, looting, and rapes of the civilian population... dismemberment and killing of noncombatants and even young children and babies...
we have to recognize the hierarchy of our values, people! i know things can get so messed up and can reach the point of total chaos and turmoil. even in my own life, i can easily drop into the confusion of everything that is beyond my control. i can even destroy the things i love (coelho reference - the valkyries). but as bad as everything can lead to, all i ask is that we do not lose hope. even if we do not know what to do to help. even if the situation seems to be just a story for us. even if it's too idealistic to believe that someone as ordinary as me can contribute significantly in an issue as big as the darfur genocide. we can start with keeping our eyes open. opportunities will present themselves, i know it.
sometimes, things just hit you. for me, it started with simply being a fan of clooney. i don't really care for the news in general. and i'm thinking we don't really have to. we can start with what's in our lives right now. like this morning, i just watched the interpreter coz i like sean penn and nicole kidman. the request is for the experience not to stop with what we know and what we are comfortable with. it doesn't have to be this genocide. or the screwed up philippine government. or even the occasional politics and management concerns in our respective jobs. just start with a passion. no matter how small. and hopefully, we can all eventually have a mindset that will help lead to something akin to world peace and deep gladness within.
tonight i'm going to watch ER. i don't mind seeing noah wyle and goran visnjic, but more so because i need an image to go with all this darfur research i did.
from http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2006-05-03-er_x.htm
...the advantage of (informing) through an entertainment program is that it makes it a little more palatable to the audience than it might be in a news story...
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
swimming sa pool
haha, so i got my wish! i got to swim in a very big pool awhile ago! malalim siya ha.. i had friends with me, although i can't recall exactly who they were. coz it was only a dream. hahaha! but i really enjoyed myself..
i don't know, but i've been having these strange and adventurous dreams lately. when i wake up, i would see vague images of what happened. but what i remembered the most was the feeling of taking on a journey that had a lot of interesting turns. hmm... ;)
i don't know, but i've been having these strange and adventurous dreams lately. when i wake up, i would see vague images of what happened. but what i remembered the most was the feeling of taking on a journey that had a lot of interesting turns. hmm... ;)
Monday, January 16, 2006
nuninuninu
parang ang sarap magswimming sa malamig na tubig.
pwedeng sa pool.
pwede rin sa dagat.
sabay sisid at tambling ng paulit ulit.
pwedeng sa pool.
pwede rin sa dagat.
sabay sisid at tambling ng paulit ulit.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
it's all just stuff
stuff i want to give time for:
>> friends marathon. i think i'm in season 4 already. thanks to my new portable dvd player (christmas gift), i might just be able to do this!
>> lois and clark. i've got season 1, episode 1-10 on the computer. =)
>> harry potter 4, 5 & 6 books.
>> new piano pieces
>> softcopy of all my (non-digital) pics. we're currently waiting for the HP 1507 all in one machine we ordered online.
stuff i need to give time for:
>> california driver's handbook
>> sfc concert planning & preps
>> exercise - no basketball/tennis sessions for a while now
>> purpose driven life book & journal
stuff i actually gave time for (only during the past month -> refer to archives for previous stuff):
>> catering (only as an assistant) - shrimp rolls, yemas, leche flan, etc
>> shopping - winter clothes!!! gifts.
>> parties - tequila(!), videoke, gifts, chocolates, buffets, chat conferences
>> work - no vacation, except for two sick leaves and some days with a few hours off.
no wonder i'm tired. ;) i just need a recharge, then i'll be set to face 2006 with all the energy that it deserves. last year, i spent time doing things i didn't particularly choose to do. i just thought, why not try things out diba? and it was a fruitful 2005 indeed. this year, i don't plan to become more busy, but to be more productive. to have a clearer direction. on to the next level! =)
>> friends marathon. i think i'm in season 4 already. thanks to my new portable dvd player (christmas gift), i might just be able to do this!
>> lois and clark. i've got season 1, episode 1-10 on the computer. =)
>> harry potter 4, 5 & 6 books.
>> new piano pieces
>> softcopy of all my (non-digital) pics. we're currently waiting for the HP 1507 all in one machine we ordered online.
stuff i need to give time for:
>> california driver's handbook
>> sfc concert planning & preps
>> exercise - no basketball/tennis sessions for a while now
>> purpose driven life book & journal
stuff i actually gave time for (only during the past month -> refer to archives for previous stuff):
>> catering (only as an assistant) - shrimp rolls, yemas, leche flan, etc
>> shopping - winter clothes!!! gifts.
>> parties - tequila(!), videoke, gifts, chocolates, buffets, chat conferences
>> work - no vacation, except for two sick leaves and some days with a few hours off.
no wonder i'm tired. ;) i just need a recharge, then i'll be set to face 2006 with all the energy that it deserves. last year, i spent time doing things i didn't particularly choose to do. i just thought, why not try things out diba? and it was a fruitful 2005 indeed. this year, i don't plan to become more busy, but to be more productive. to have a clearer direction. on to the next level! =)
Monday, January 02, 2006
tired
no profound thought to share
a.s. mode attempting to kick in
another busy month ahead of me
i'm still smiling
no worries
i just need a time out
a.s. mode attempting to kick in
another busy month ahead of me
i'm still smiling
no worries
i just need a time out